Sometimes there’s just too much material. There’s just too many things to say. Is it possible to do a running commentary on a 5-minute Youtube video? Let’s see…
Start – Alright, Voices That Care! Voices That Mother#$&^ng Care! I am so psyched about this. Nice stars and stripes background to help set the mood. This better not turn into Republiporn, though. Consider me concerned.
0:02 – Wait … is that Rizz? I know this was done in like 1992, but still. Call me crazy but if you only have the sixth-most popular member of New Edition singing your first verse, perhaps you didn’t do a good enough job booking the talent. What, where Bell, Biv and DeVoe all really not interested?
0:11 – Like a ghost he comes and goes. Nobody does the desperate yearning of Randy Travis.
0:14 – And here we go, The Greatest. Singer. In. The. World. How is it that a French-Canadian is singing about “taking a stand in some foreign land”? Did I really just go there? Does Celine look like she’s 12 right here? Uh… moving on…
0:30 – I don’t care about gender. I don’t see race. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, bisexual or just like softball. I will never speak ill of you, so long as you never dare to speak ill of Peter Cetera. He would fight for your honor, people. It’s only right someone returned the favor, no?
0:40 – Hey, check it out. Turns out I was wrong. Apparently they did try to get all the members of New Edition. I wonder if they invited Bobby Brown and got nervous he might go on a bender and not make it, so they kinda sorta put a few feelers into New Edition management, but Rizz was the only one showing up to rehearsals, so he was the only one who got the notice, and then he showed up like four hours early on the day of the shoot and the director was like “Oh, hell, let’s just let him sing.” Was that really just one sentence right there? Nevermind. Moving on.
0:51 – Oh yeah, looks like we got a Warrant sighting in the house. Fun/ironic/useless fact to share with friends you invariably get to watch this: the name of lead singer Jani Lane’s girlfriend, the immortal star of the “Cherry Pie” video … Bobbie Brown.
0:55 – Luther Vandross is in the house. I don’t really have a joke here … except to say that some poor soul quite possibly could have been conceived while this song was playing. Luther Vandross and Patriotic propoganda … so this is how black Republicans are made.
1:02 – Magic Johnson? Michael Jordan? I was not aware there would be athletes here. Oh, please god, let there be a Carl Lewis sighting.
1:07 – Oh, hell no. ‘Nique? Say it ain’t so ‘Nique. I grew up idolizing you! How can you do this to my childhood. And with Ahmad Rashad no less! This video is starting to seem less funny.
1:09 – So I’m starting to sense a theme here. Vandross, athlete, Vandross, athlete, Vandross … the floor is yours Admiral.
1:23 – Ladies and gents, we’ve got ourselves our first Garth Brooks sighting. My god his head’s enormous. I don’t think they even split-screened that. His head is actually bigger than Amy Grant’s entire body.
1:36 – That chick on the right’s not bad looking … oh, good god. It’s Nelson. Yes, I know become the 5,234,862nd person to have made a joke about Nelson’s hair, but come on, you have so few opportunities to speak of Nelson these days.
1:50 – Bolton!! There, I said it. I’m sorry ladies. I should have warned you. You are all pregnant now.
2:00 – Question: Is that The Pointer Sisters or a group of singing rodeo clowns? (I won’t lie, I spent nearly an hour after watching the video trying to come up with an “I’m So Excited” pun … nada).
2:05 – Aahh, Little Richard’s disembodied head!! Jheri-curl must be bouyant.
2:08 – Will Smith’s schedule this week: Tuesday – wrap up action-adventure film, Wednesday – hang out with Jada and kids, Thursday – call up Uncle Phil, tell him he so fat, Friday – track down all available video and audio footage of “Voices That Care” … destroy.
2:20 – You know why Bolton is sitting down? Because if he stood up for America any harder our ears would literally explode.
2:40 – Mark Knopfler … Dire Straits … leftover footage of the “Money For Nothing” video. Funny, I wonder if that’s what the video director’s invoice said.
3:00 – Oh, I just knew it. There is ABSOLUTELY.NO.WAY you can do an early-90s music collaboration without the smooth services of one Kenneth G. My brain is literally being bombarded with pop-culture punchlines. It’s like they’re taunting me. “Ooh, look, we’ve got Kenny G and Michael Bolton. We have Barry Mannilow in a tank top singing the last verse. What you gonna say about that, huh?”
3:07 – I know it was only a second, but that was totally The Gambler. I’m not liking the ratio Kenneth’s Rogers to G, here.
3:11 – Chevy Chase and Brooke Shields … just memorizing lines. I may be veering into “It’s funny just saying their name” territory.
3:13 – Kurt Russell
3:15 – Iron Mike Tyson, sporting a lovely purple sweater that absolutely NO man on earth would wear and absolutely NO man on earth would ever point out to Mike’s face.
3:18 – James Woods and Meryl Streep. We have now entered “Unreal” territory.
3:21 – Oh Great One, Wayne Gretzky
3:23 – “Hey! Hey Ted! Mr. Danson!” “What?” “Look over here!” “Huh? Where? What?” “Just give us a wave.” “Right. Uh, OK? Who the hell are you people?”
3:30 – Celine hits the high note, and this video hits the high, er, note. Is that Fonzie I see in the front row?
3:32 – Freeze frame. Second from the right. Milli (or possibly Vanilli) sighting. Who knew such a patriotic song could be tainted with scandal. If you lip sync for America, is that still patriotic? Can I get a ruling?
3:35 – Stop the video at this point and I promise you, you will never want for anything again. Kevin Costner, Kurt Russell, Richard Gere, Peter Cetera and, in the middle of it all, high on the crank, one Gary Busey.
3:45 – And we have a Fred Savage sighting.
3:50 – Dudley Moore.
3:56 – John Lovitz.
4:05 – Harry Hamlin.
4:10 – Orel Hershiser!?!??! Obviously there was cocaine on the set.
4:17 – We have witnessed something truly special. Kevin Costner has just smiled for the first time in ten years.
4:19 – Michelle Pfieffer, like all beautiful people, you get a pass on this one.
4:40 – Phil Collins’ chunkier, dorkier brother? Who the hell is this and why is he getting the last verse over Bolton or Celine? WTF!?!?!
4:50 – Those are some bitchin’ child molester eye-glasses you got there pal. Is that a ponytail by the way? Be a man, bro. Let your locks flow like Bolton.
4:58 – Don King … perhaps it’s fitting. As I find it apropos to paraphrase him, but only in America could this crap actually take place.
5:03 – Kenny Rogers has seen the horrors of war. He’s killed seven me with his bare hands.
5:07 – God bless America.